How to start the paperwork conversation without stepping on toes
Last time, I shared a few simple ways to begin the year, questions like where a spare house key is kept or who their primary doctor is.
Those conversations are often easier to start.
But moving from spare keys to paperwork can feel like a much bigger step. It brings up a worry many of us carry quietly:
Am I taking over? Am I crossing a line?
I’m learning in real time with my own mother, now in her late seventies, that this stage isn’t about taking power away. It’s about making sure her wishes are clear and protected if there ever comes a moment when she can’t speak for herself.
If you’re worried about overstepping, this framework keeps the focus on preparedness, not control.
The Strategy: The “Just in Case” File
You don’t have to solve every legal issue right now. You don’t have to hire a lawyer this week. A solid first step is simply helping your parent gather what already exists.
The goal is to place important papers and copies of documents in one known location. That might be a file folder, a specific drawer, or a small fireproof safe.
To begin, try locating just a few essentials in each of these areas:
1. Financial
• Sources of income (Social Security, pensions)
• Bank names and account locations
• Where the original deed to the home is kept
2. Health
• A current list of prescriptions
• Health insurance cards or policy numbers
• A Living Will (instructions for medical care if they can’t decide for themselves)
3. Legal
• The Will
• Durable Power of Attorney
This isn’t about changing anything yet. It’s about knowing where things are.
The Insight: Permission vs. Proxy
One reason these conversations feel heavy is fear of lost independence. It helps to understand, and explain, the difference between permission and a proxy.
Permission
Your parent can sign a form allowing a doctor or bank to speak with you. This lets you help ask questions, clarify bills, or sort out paperwork, while they remain fully in charge of decisions.
Proxy
A healthcare proxy or power of attorney only takes effect if your parent can no longer communicate. It does not override their voice while they are capable.
Starting with permission is often an easier place to begin. It allows you to support them without taking the wheel.
_______
You don’t have to do everything at once. You don’t have to do it perfectly.
Maybe this week, the goal is just finding the insurance cards. That’s progress.
Warmly,
Sandi
P.S. If you’re unsure where to locate a specific document, reply to this email. I read every message.